Losing myself

Somedays I feel like I'm losing myself. I no longer have an identity of my own. I am simple mother, wife, a faceless worker in the world of business. What I do doesn't really matter, who I am doesn't really matter. Do I do anything for myself? Or just what is expected and demanded? How can I tell?

I wrote my exam last night, and I think I did okay. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I'm not sure if it's a good sign or not. Last time I thought I did great, I barely passed it. This time, I didn't put nearly as much effort into the course as I could and should have. I just don't feel the motivation. What am I doing it for? Not for my current job. And looking for a new one, everyone wants experience. Your education is secondary. So how do you move up and around without that experience? I know that theoretically doing my schooling is a good thing. It should lead to big and better futures. But it's hard to feel that some days.

I go to work. Get through the day. Some are good days, today was not. When co-workers treat you like a child who can't do anything right, it's hard to be motivated to be cheerful and productive. When your boss has no voice, and no presence, how can you expect to get anywhere, receive any recognition, feel like an important team member?

I get through it, knowing it's a job. It's not supposed to be your life. But I love working. I want to love my job, have passion for it. Sometimes it just feels empty and a waste of time. Then I come home. And nothing is any better. I'm just the person who accommodates. Who is supposed to look after everything. It's all what everyone else wants, nothing about me. I'm just there for them. But what about me? Why am I lost in the shuffle?

Today I am not happy. Not cheerful. Sad, grey and feeling down. Throwing my vent into the wind in hopes that the feeling will leave and I'll feel better.