Challenge is over

It feels weird to say the 30 days of truth challenge is over. It has definitely been a journey over the last month. I've enjoyed it, and learned a lot about myself that I probably knew, but just never acknowledged.

I think the natural question is where to go from here?

I have already created a page with some ideas for future posts. But for now, I will bask in the glory of writing every day for a month, and go treat myself to some of my son's Hallowe'en candy. Yum!

Day 30: A letter to yourself

Dear Sarah:

You can do it. You can be strong, and confident, and feel good about yourself. You just need to start. It will seem hard and weird in the beginning, but it will become second nature after a while, like most things.

Try to relax. Don't let every little thing stress you out. Take the time to play with your son and give the cuddles he wants. He will only want them while he's little, so cherich them now. Find time for yourself. An hour here or there can make the difference in how you feel. You're not just a mom or wife, you're a person by yourself, and you need to make the time, and take the time, to remember that.

I love you, remember to love yourself.
Sarah

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself

This could really tie into the day 1 topic: what you hate about yourself.  Because if you hate something, you should try to change it. In a nutshell, I hope to become stronger, and more confident. I want to feel like a confident, strong woman, but the self-doubting not-grown-up-but-not-teenager that I currently feel like most days. How to get there? Haven't a clue.

Day 28: What would you do if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) right now?

Sit down and cry. I don't want another child. At least not until this one is sleeping through the night routinely, and eating well. And I am not so stressed about money and life as it currently exists. Then we'll talk.

But if there was an accident, I'd have a good cry. Then start planning for a baby.

Day 27: What's the best thing you've got going for you right now?

Without a doubt, my son. He may be a handful with eating problems and a growing temper tantrum phase, but he's still awesome. He is adorable and cuddly and my little crazy monkey. He is the reason I go to work and come home. No matter what else is going on, he's there wanting a hug and playtime. That makes me smile, and makes everything worth doing.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life?

Short answer? Yes. I've thought about it, but I would never do it.

I used to suffer depression quite a bit as a teenager and early 20s. Turns out it wasn't just me, I was having a reaction to the birth control pill I was on, and didn't realize it until I went off it and my whole world changed.

Since then I have learned that things can always get better, if you work at it. And now I have a better reason: my son!

Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today

Because the human spirit can get through anything, as long as you're willing to try. It may not be easy, and it may not be fun, but you can get through it.

I think this is an odd question/topic that can't really be answered. Maybe it's just me though.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose those songs

As explained in day 13, I am not really into music. It's a background noise. So trying to come up with a playlist is difficult because there aren't many songs that I play. And even if they are playing, I'm not really listening. So this topic really doesn't apply to me.

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life

Something I wished I had done was stick with university. I dropped out after my first year when I realized that I hated the program I was in, and couldn't transfer my credits to the program I wanted. I wish I had gone ahead and transferred over anyways. I would be much further ahead by now. Not just careerwise, and moneywise (other than the expected school loans), but I'd be finished my CGA. Then I wouldn't be struggling through it now.

I am having trouble getting into, and concentrating on my schoolwork. There just isn't the time in the day, and I'm just not that focussed on it. I have lost the schoolwork mentality, and I keeping viewing it as a hassle, instead of a career development tool.

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life

This topic is all about choices you would change. I think I have mentioned this before somewhere, but I can't remember when. I can think of dozens of choices I would change. Not dated certain people. Stayed with a particular job. Stayed in a particular apartment, instead of moving every year. Gone to a different university.

Every choice done differently would have resulted in a completely different life. But as someone I know says, you can't live in the past. You can't live in your regrets. You have to take today and go from there. Make it into what you want by looking forward, not back.

Great words to live by. Spoken like a true survivor.

Day 21: (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you got into a fight a couple of hours before. What do you do?

This question seems like an obvious one. I'd visit and help out however necessary. I guess the topic of the fight may factor in, but only if it is a make-or-break fight that could end your friendship.

Another way to look at it is if the car accident ended in the death of your friend. Then it would probably come with a lot of guilty and unresolved feelings that you'd need to work through.

Either way, not a pleasant situation. And luckily, not one I have had to experience.

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I have never done drugs. I rarely drink. Mostly just a drink with dinner once every few months. The last time I was drunk? So long ago I can't remember when.

I will admit that I am very anti-drug, and I tend to look down on people who do them. That's probably not my best trait, but it's the truth. I think most of the time people do drugs to escape reality. I may have felt that need, but I also don't have the ability to just let go of control. Doing drugs is about losing control, experiencing something other than harsh reality. Not something I can make myself do. So I've never tried.

Alcohol is a different story. Even though it can rightly be considered a drug, it doesn't have the same stigma as drugs. Of course, I do believe that partying is a behaviour that belongs to young adults (includes early 20s), but it is something that responsible people learn to control and minimize.

There is nothing wrong with relaxing and having fun. But maintaining control over yourself and your actions is important. Especially if you are a role model, such as a parent.

Think I have control issues based on this post? lol

Day 19: What is your opinion of religion?

I have never been religious. I was not raised to believe in any particular religion. I have not had a reason to choose one, or to need one, so I remain ambivalent.

But overall, I'm not a fan of organized religion. They are mostly corrupt, or at least become that way over time. Afterall, they start with the belief in something greater, but they are run by humans.

I think that mankind as a whole needs to believe in something higher than himself. Whether that is a person, a concept or a system, each person feels the need differently. But the overall need is there because mankind wants to believe that there is something better then him out there. Because if we are the best...? Not a great concept given the corruptibility, greediness and capacity of evil within mankind in general.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage

I think my views are fairly common for most Canadians: do what makes you happy.


If that means loving someone of the same sex, go for it. I think any two people who love each other and who are committed to each other should be together. This sets a good example for our children as a whole.
 
Much better than a whole generation of divorces, don't you think?

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your view on something

I have read so many books, it is my favourite past-time, that I'm not sure I can pick just one. Or that I can even identify one that has changed my view on something.

One series that particularly calls out to me is the Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony. Each book is about one "office" of immortality: Death,Time, Fate, War, Nature, Evil and Good. Over the course of the series, all the major characters are woven together, and eventually become one giant family tree.

The series really makes you think about the forces that are supposedly out of our control, and makes you wonder if they really are beyond reach. This is one series that I have read over and over, and one of the few that I actually own. Although the last time I moved, I think I lost one book, which I am pretty upset about.

Day 16: Something or something you could definitely live without

Note to readers: If you live with me, you should probably skip this post. It will make you mad. But it's my opinion, so just keep clicking...



Throughout this challenge, I have mostly not written the negative, painful, personal questions. I answer them in my mind, but choose not to reveal the answer to the world. This one I am choosing to answer. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I'd like some advice. Maybe I want reassurance that I am doing the right thing. Or maybe I just need to get it off my chest.

I could live without my common-law husband. We don't have an easy relationship, and I'm not always certain that we should have a relationship at all. I left him once in Feb, and went back 2 weeks later. I question almost daily whether I did the right thing going back. I almost left again in Sept, and I'm sure I will continue to debate it daily.

I know that if we didn't have a child, I'd have left him after briefly dating. We would not have lived together, or if we did, I'd have left a long time ago and never looked back. But we do have a son, and that makes everything different. I stay for him, but I question whether it is the right move, or if things would be better if we left.

Maybe a little background info is needed. We dated only briefly before I got pregnant. As in barely a few months. We really didn't know each other very well. I found out I was pregnant while he was gone for a month to visit his family. I told him, and we were both excited. But he was unemployed, collecting EI. He was supposed to be earning money while he was gone, but instead partied all month and spent a lot. When he returned, he started staying with me. Without contributing to any bills. We agreed that he would have a 3 month "free-pass", and then he'd start contributing. During this pass he would need to get a job because his EI would run out.

The time passed, and nothing changed. No job, no contributing. A month before I was due to give birth, my lease ran out, and we moved. I only had a one bedroom apartment, so we need a bigger place. I wanted to get a cheap 2 bedroom apartment, but he convinced me to rent a 3 bedroom townhouse on the condition that he paid the rent.

Our son was born, and I went on maternity leave. He still didn't work, and with my reduced income, I couldn't pay all the bills. I ended up paying our rent on credit because I didn't want my credit to be ruined for nonpayment. He didn't care because his credit was already garbage.

Fastforward to Feb when the situation was still the same. Only difference being I was now $10,000 in debt from paying rent and completely fed up with his refusal to work or help out with anything. I packed up me and my son, and we moved to my sister's temporarily.

He immediately started calling and pleading for me to come back. Within 3 days (over the weekend even!) he had 2 job interviews lined up. Swore up and down that things would be different. He couldn't live without us, it was driving him insane. We were his life, and he would contribute. I listened to him. I had been torn about leaving. He can be very charming, and he is a good dad, he just has no sense of responsibility, no desire to act like an adult, no ability to see beyond himself.

I went back. He got a full-time job working nights in the next town over. At the beginning of April, we moved down the street from his work so it would be easier for him. I wouldn't have to drive him to and from work (he has never had a license). I went back to work at the end of April. He refused to put our son in daycare. Between himself and his friend who lives in our building, they watch him during the day.

I was back to work less than a month when he was fired. Cue the refusal to work, the not contributing, the expecting me to do everything. We had a few agruments were I told him flat out I was not happy and that I was not going down this road again.

In the summer he started working full-time. I had my name taken off the lease. This way it won't affect me if he doesn't pay rent.

Fastforward to today. He is working full-time. But it is at night, and I have to drive him to and from work. Meaning our son goes to bed later because we have to bundle into and out of the car. I have no time to get ready for work in the morning, so I have to shower at night, and get things prepared then. I also do all the housework between the time I put my son to bed, and go to bed myself. Our son is still not in daycare.

Everyday I look at him and think "I don't like you. I don't want to be with you". But I know if I leave, things will be super hard. I will be stretched to the limit financially, and will need to get subsidized daycare in order to keep myself afloat. I know he will be all over me just like last time to come back, to bring his son over everyday. To guilt trip me into thinking I am ruining our family, and that I have responsibilities to him. I'm not sure I have the strength to go through it and survive it. So everyday I stay and die a little inside.

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without

Beyond the obvious food, clothes, shelter, family, this becomes a personal question about what you value most. In my case, I couldn't live without my car. Not necessarily my current car, but just having a car in general.

I have had a car for several years now. I couldn't imagine giving it up. I could still get around locally, the city I live in has a great bus system. But all my family lives out of town. Even before I owned a car, I used to rent a car periodically to go visit them.

I love driving. Right now I drive standard. Yes, that's right, I'm one of the few people who can do that, and I am proud of it. Before I had a child, I used to destress by taking a drive. There is not much better than just hitting the road with the music cranked up and driving your cares away.

If someone were to take my ability to have a car away, I'd be devastated. I don't want to go back to living on a bus schedule. Of having to ride public transportation. Of depending on others to get around. I like the ability to jump in my car and go. Of choosing when and what route to take. Simply put, I love my car. I could do without the constant need to make repairs, but that is a different topic altogether.

Day 14: A hero that has let you down

I can't really think of anybody I'd consider to be a hero of mine. There are people I respect, but not to hero status. I guess I need to go to a broader definitition and think of someone I respect who has let me down.

In a pervious job, I had a manager that I really liked to work for. She was very professional, trusted me to do my job, continually pushed me (in a good way) to do more. She was a great advocate for me as a worker. Over time, I moved to a different department, where I eventually ended up with a supervisor I did not respect. In an effort to save myself from getting fired for insubordination, I talked my previous boss about transferring to her current department. She was all for it, and helped to find a temporary position for me until a position in her department would open up.

But she screwed me. The temporary position she created ended fairly quickly, and I was transferred to a department I had no desire to be in. Less than 2 months later, a position in her department became available, but because I had to sign a commitment to my new department for at least a year, I was not able to apply. A few months later, I found out that the department I ended up in had requested me from her, and she had agreed to have me moved. All without consulting me. While knowing that I had moved to be in her reporting line in the first place. In the end, I was in a department I did not want to be in, and was thoroughly disgusted at her behaviour. I lost quite a bit of respect for her. She really let me down.

In the end, it turned out alright since I left the company, but I lost out on 2 salary raises in a row due to the timing of my moves. Not something I am happy about.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times

I have never been a huge music fan. To me, music belongs in the background. It can help set the mood, or provide a filter to keep out other music, but I rarely pay much attention to it. My husband is always telling me to listen to the words in a particular song, but it's hard. I automatically start to tune it out, even when I am trying to listen. So I can't really name a band or artist that has been there for me.

The closest I can come is to say my favourite band. Nickelback. Yes, I'm a fan. I also like Theory of a Deadman and other "Canadian rock" type bands. Nothing gets rid of a bad mood faster than cranking the tunes and hitting the road while listening to a rockin' beat.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on

This is a tricky topic. What to describe? Something you think you do well, but aren't recognized for? Something you don't do well, and you know it?

After working through some crap yesterday, I realized that I never get complimented on any of my work. Most of what I do never gets acknowledged in any way at all. I'm sure it's not intentional. But my boss is not really a people person, there are days he never says a single word to me. It makes me think of one of the books I've read recently that talked about how most good work is not acknowledged, only problems are noticed, so you need to keep track and show your accomplishments to your superiors.

I'm still waiting for my annual review to happen, but I do have my list of accomplishments all ready. As well as the list of things I'd like to take on. We'll see what happens when my review finally gets done. For the record, it was originally scheduled for the middle of last week, but my boss keeps pushing it off.