Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but who drifted

I can immediately think of the person who drifted away. My first serious boyfriend when I was 16. He was the most gentle, sincere and amazing man I ever met, even though he was still a boy at the time. He was understanding, and never pushed me for anything.

I met him when I moved to town when I was in grade 7. He sent me secret admirer notes. But I wasn't interested. The next year, we were friends has we attended high school classes early. I got a crush on him, but he was no longer interested. In grade 9 we were just friends. In grade 10 we started dating. He still had the notes I had sent replying to his secret admirer notes. We spent hours sitting in his room, talking and kissing. I wasn't ready for anything more, but he never pushed.

And the beginning of the summer after grade 10, my mom and soon-to-be stepdad decided to be married that Aug, and move us 3 hours away. It was a summer filled with fun, love, and sorrow knowing that things would come to an end. I left the day after the wedding, and didn't see him again.

When I was in university, a guy I worked with during a co-op job turned out to know him. Not just know him, but was his roommate at their university. Small world. We started chatting through IM.

I wanted to see him, to talk to him, but didn't know how to say it. Our new friendship was full of black holes and dangers. Neither one of us really talked about our past, or about any possible future. But it lingered there all the same.

As I went through ups and downs, I developed a pattern. I would drift away when things were good, and need his conversations when things were bad. I tended to lash out at him when in a bad mood. Eventually, when I was going through a really rough time, I lashed out too harshly. He decided he wanted nothing more to do with me. And I haven't heard from him since.

It still hurts. I loved him at 16, and part of me still loves him. I have always thought that he was one of the few good guys I've ever known. For a while, he was the only guy who didn't deliberately hurt me. I put him on a pedestal in my mind.

That was a few years ago, and I know I need to let him go since he has already drifted away. We have separate lives, with no communication. But I still yearn to know the man that amazing boy grew into.